That's been my philosophy since Stupidhead lost his mind and decided that his calling was making my life hell. Sometimes, like today, I feel like I just can't keep moving forward anymore. Not because of any huge dramatic THING but just because.
But, of course, I can't. Because I'm a mom - and a single one at that - and Moms just don't get to stop.
And then I hear about these people... the Raramuri, or Tarahumara - the running people. Apparently, this smallish population of native mexican people make running a way of life. They practice persistence hunting... running for up to 160km (100 miles to you n me) without stopping. That's right. They will RUN FOR 100 MILES without stopping to kvetch about their sore footsies.
And why on earth would they do this insane thing? Because eventually their prey gets tired and they can get close enough to kill it with their rudimentary weapons - sticks and stones.
There's inspiration to be found there somewhere... now I just wonder if I'm the Indian or the deer... ;)
Monday, September 24, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Freak accidents
This is a sad blog, so feel free to skip it.
As some of you already know, I had to have Orca put down on Tuesday night. She was playing in the pasture with another horse and took a kick that was at just the right angle... just the right amount of force... just the right amount of torsion as she turned away... and her leg was broken. Just like that. A blink. A kick. A horse just being a horse, and she's gone.
I got there right after the vet, and he didn't even need to show me the x-rays. Her leg wasn't right and anyone familiar with how the leg between the stifle joint and hock should be shaped would have known that the bone was broken.
She was in the prime of her life. An athlete like no horse I've ever known. That stupid horse would do laps of the pasture... just running. Not kicking up her heels, not playing, just ... running for the sheer pleasure of the wind in her mane. I loved to watch her almost more than I loved to ride her.
It's unfair and I'm going to rail against god a bit until I'm done being angry about it, but I have to be thankful for a couple of things too...
Orca was my dream horse. She was the horse that I dreamt of as a girl when I was riding all those scrubby ponies and the horses no one else could ride and begging for riding time from friends with horses and cleaning stalls for the opportunity to try not to get killed on some unbroke psychopath. All that time, I had this Thoroughbred that lived in my head. She was going to be 16 hands tall, and LOVE to jump. I wouldn't have to teach her how, because she'd just know how to pick spots and sail over fences. She'd have a star on her forehead and one sock - a small one, not too flashy. And she'd love me and no one else. No one else would even want to ride her - but she would come to me when I called her and nuzzle me and do anything I asked.
And she came true. Not everyone gets that lucky, yanno?
And I have to be thankful that my prayers weren't answered this time. The whole time I was driving up to the farm, I was making promises to god. Promising that I wasn't going to be greedy. That I would accept lame for life as long as I didn't have to choose death. I promised that if all she was ever suitable for was a pasture ornament, I'd accept that.
And that was selfish. Because you can't take a thoroughbred - or even a Paint who's only 90% thoroughbred - and punish them like that. You can't take a marathon runner and tell them to be happy that they can no longer walk. You just can't.
So I'm thankful that god knew that none of us really wanted to do that to Orca and took the decision out of my hands by making it a break that couldn't be fixed.
I'll miss her more than I can fathom. I will never replace her. She was my first love.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Bits and Pieces
I am a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Mom. Really. I completely and totally forgot that last night was Wild's back to school night. It's no excuse that I'd had a REALLY busy and REALLY stressful day, or that I don't have the girls on Thursday nights and so had no one to remind me. I forgot. Didn't go. Passed up the chance to meet all of her teachers. I suck.
Had a second interview yesterday for a purchasing position. They offered me the job, and while the salary offered is well withing the average range for that type of position, it's $5000 less/year than I was making at my other job. Sort of. Anyway, I accepted it because the $12/hour that they're offering for 90 days with a raise after that, is more than the $8.75/hour that unemployment pays, and I do have kids to feed.
I have a second interview scheduled with another company on Tuesday. Funnily enough, I REALLY want this job and part of the reason I accepted teh other one is because I hadn't heard back from these people and had lost hope that I would. So, I informed them that I was going to start work with another company on Tuesday but that I was VERY interested in interviewing for the position and asked if they could schedule me an evening interview. They were VERY accomodating and I have an interview with them on Tuesday at 5. I'm one of two candidates they've narrowed it down to.
The average salary for this position in KC is $31,000 MORE PER YEAR than the position I just accepted. That's right. More than TWICE what the job I accepted pays. Only slightly less than 2X what my last job paid. It's like a Cinderella story. Even if they didn't come anywhere near that amount, they already know what I made at my last job, and have already said "This position would represent a significant increase over your last position."
Cross your fingers. But regardless of what happens, at least I get to get up and go to work on Tuesday.
Have to go renew my tags today. Yup. I waited until the last day of the month to do-so. Aren't I BRILLIANT? Thankfully, I'm going to renew them in the next county over since that's where I owe property taxes and they have to be paid before I can renew, and that county only has 35,000 total residents. They can't ALL have tags that expire in August, right?
Ya know my horses that come when called? That just can't get to you fast enough and practically put their own halters on for you? They were supposed to get their toenails trimmed the other day. Apparently neither one of them would let anyone get close to them. Now, granted, I have NEVER had a person other than myself or Robbin attempt to catch my horses for me, but I have always just assumed that they would walk up to anyone to be caught since they come RUNNING hell bent for leather up to me. Apparently I was wrong. No pedicures for them.
I filed a contempt motion against Stupidhead on Monday. It was totally justified, and very well-founded and well-organized. But I'm still nervous as hell about it. The shit is going ot hit the proverbial fan when he gets served. And there's a very large, albeit chickenshit, part of me that wants to just take it all back. Go to the courthouse and tell the judge to forget he ever saw it. I hate that part of me.
Had a second interview yesterday for a purchasing position. They offered me the job, and while the salary offered is well withing the average range for that type of position, it's $5000 less/year than I was making at my other job. Sort of. Anyway, I accepted it because the $12/hour that they're offering for 90 days with a raise after that, is more than the $8.75/hour that unemployment pays, and I do have kids to feed.
I have a second interview scheduled with another company on Tuesday. Funnily enough, I REALLY want this job and part of the reason I accepted teh other one is because I hadn't heard back from these people and had lost hope that I would. So, I informed them that I was going to start work with another company on Tuesday but that I was VERY interested in interviewing for the position and asked if they could schedule me an evening interview. They were VERY accomodating and I have an interview with them on Tuesday at 5. I'm one of two candidates they've narrowed it down to.
The average salary for this position in KC is $31,000 MORE PER YEAR than the position I just accepted. That's right. More than TWICE what the job I accepted pays. Only slightly less than 2X what my last job paid. It's like a Cinderella story. Even if they didn't come anywhere near that amount, they already know what I made at my last job, and have already said "This position would represent a significant increase over your last position."
Cross your fingers. But regardless of what happens, at least I get to get up and go to work on Tuesday.
Have to go renew my tags today. Yup. I waited until the last day of the month to do-so. Aren't I BRILLIANT? Thankfully, I'm going to renew them in the next county over since that's where I owe property taxes and they have to be paid before I can renew, and that county only has 35,000 total residents. They can't ALL have tags that expire in August, right?
Ya know my horses that come when called? That just can't get to you fast enough and practically put their own halters on for you? They were supposed to get their toenails trimmed the other day. Apparently neither one of them would let anyone get close to them. Now, granted, I have NEVER had a person other than myself or Robbin attempt to catch my horses for me, but I have always just assumed that they would walk up to anyone to be caught since they come RUNNING hell bent for leather up to me. Apparently I was wrong. No pedicures for them.
I filed a contempt motion against Stupidhead on Monday. It was totally justified, and very well-founded and well-organized. But I'm still nervous as hell about it. The shit is going ot hit the proverbial fan when he gets served. And there's a very large, albeit chickenshit, part of me that wants to just take it all back. Go to the courthouse and tell the judge to forget he ever saw it. I hate that part of me.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Truth in advertising...
So... around Christmas-time, I was dogless and kind of sad about it, and promised the kids that IF I found a terrier cross that would stay small, that was a boy, and that was FREE, that I'd get it. I knew that it was unlikely to happen, as it's not like we happen upon free dogs every day, right?
Of course, that very weekend, we were down at the lake visiting Eumie. And we went to Wal-Mart and there was a woman in the parking lot with a laundry basket full of the cutest puppies EVER.
And, of course, there was a sign on the basket that said "FREE TERRIER CROSS PUPPIES". And, of course, my kids can read. AND (because god hates me) there was one boy left.
I talked to the lady. She said that they were terrier cross puppies, that their parents were both small, blah blah bla.
Wanna see my cute LITTLE 9 month old terrier cross? Huh? Doya?
Yes, THIS is the dog that probably wouldn't ever weigh more than 20 pounds. Who, between the ages of 4 months and 6 months gained 15 pounds...
Part of the reason I wanted a terrier cross was the size. But the other part was their tendency to not shed. I've had terriers. I've never had one that left parts of himself all over the house.
This dog is apparently part collie because he's 'blowing' his coat. He's dropping HUGE clumps of hair every where he goes. Everywhere. There's a DRIFT of hair near his crate every morning. There is hair all over the back patio where he hangs out all day.
You can't shave them because their undercoat actually insulates them against the heat and they tend to get too hot if you clip them (sort of counter-intuitive, huh?)... so I bought a rake for removing loose undercoat. And I spent 10 minutes grooming him a bit ago.
10 minutes.
1) You CAN'T EVEN TELL that I brushed him.
2) I removed an entire Wal-Mart bag of hair from him.
I could weave a coat for the terrier mix I thought I was getting.
It's a good thing he's cute.
Of course, that very weekend, we were down at the lake visiting Eumie. And we went to Wal-Mart and there was a woman in the parking lot with a laundry basket full of the cutest puppies EVER.
And, of course, there was a sign on the basket that said "FREE TERRIER CROSS PUPPIES". And, of course, my kids can read. AND (because god hates me) there was one boy left.
I talked to the lady. She said that they were terrier cross puppies, that their parents were both small, blah blah bla.
Wanna see my cute LITTLE 9 month old terrier cross? Huh? Doya?
Yes, THIS is the dog that probably wouldn't ever weigh more than 20 pounds. Who, between the ages of 4 months and 6 months gained 15 pounds...
Part of the reason I wanted a terrier cross was the size. But the other part was their tendency to not shed. I've had terriers. I've never had one that left parts of himself all over the house.
This dog is apparently part collie because he's 'blowing' his coat. He's dropping HUGE clumps of hair every where he goes. Everywhere. There's a DRIFT of hair near his crate every morning. There is hair all over the back patio where he hangs out all day.
You can't shave them because their undercoat actually insulates them against the heat and they tend to get too hot if you clip them (sort of counter-intuitive, huh?)... so I bought a rake for removing loose undercoat. And I spent 10 minutes grooming him a bit ago.
10 minutes.
1) You CAN'T EVEN TELL that I brushed him.
2) I removed an entire Wal-Mart bag of hair from him.
I could weave a coat for the terrier mix I thought I was getting.
It's a good thing he's cute.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
It's a SCAM I tell ya!
A clever one though... more about that in a bit.
Sam was home with me today. I've been taking him to the sitter on Wed and Thurs even though I'm not working so we don't lose his spot and so I can get stuff done w/out chasing him around the house. About 30 minutes after I dropped him off this morning, Amanda called and asked me to come get him... her mother died this morning. I feel SO bad for her and there's nothing I can do. It made me think about the mortality of my own parents though... Mom's only 10 years younger than her mother was when she died... and not living the healthiest of lifestyles either. I know that 60 is the new 40, but it's scary for me.
When Sam woke up from his nap today, my first indication that he was awake was *knock knock knock* on his bedroom door followed by "Mo-o-o-om!" (Thanks Madison) So, I went in there to get him up. I've been redoing the kids' room while the girls are gone, and I was eager to get started again... but... Sam can now reach the door from his crib. And apparently the boy knows how to work the lock. WHY is there a lock on my kids' bedroom door?!?!
While I was picking the lock, he keeps knocking on the door - and he keeps saying Mo-o-o-om! And then... giggling MADLY. Like a crazy person. He was laughing so hard while I was picking the lock that I thought he was going to pass out. He's STILL amused by it. I was on the phone with Kendra, telling her about it, and the boy started laughing. Brat.
Went to see the Gin Blossoms with Doug this weekend. I LURVED them in college. And ya know what? They're just as good now as they were then... and I'm way less stoned now. One Lone Car opened for them... also a good band. Not bad for a free concert at Crown Center. Beats Air Supply, anyway.
The kids' bedroom... I hung shelves yesterday - just the wire type that are for closet organizers, but they look pretty good. Then, I hung milk crates from the bottom of one for more storage space, and from the bottom of the other one, I hung one of those sweater storage things that's basically fabric shelves. I managed to get everything Sam shouldn't touch either out of the room or up and out of reach. I rearranged the furniture to give them more floor space, and picked up a futon mattress tonight from a woman who posts on freecycle. Tomorrow, Madison's old mattress goes away. I hung new curtains too (THANK YOU AMY) ... they're denim and the tabs at the top are strips of denim with overall closures. They're SO perfect. Love them. The kids will too. Their room looks awesome and is a good blend of toddler/little kid/tween... not everyone could make that work, yanno.
And now, the scam. There was an ad on craigslist for a bookkeeper - the pay was outrageous at $1500/week, but I figured what the hell, right? So I sent my resume and a cover letter... today, I got an email reply. It's an 'investment' company in Germany who is looking for people to 'process paypal payments'. In exchange, you get to keep 5% of every dollar you process. Crap, right? Have the Nigerians moved?
I had an interview yesterday for a web content editor position. It would be THE perfect job... telecommuting, $20/hour... awesome.
Did you know people are willing to pay $100-$150/hour for people to clean their houses topless? I don't know a single woman who would pay a man to just stand around looking good... we want our men to be productive... I'll pay you to change my oil, clean my gutters, shovel my walk, whatever (have you ever noticed how euphemistic those all sound?) and I don't even care if you're hot. But pay you to stand around looking pretty with your skin all hanging out and stuff? No. Boyz are weird.
Sam was home with me today. I've been taking him to the sitter on Wed and Thurs even though I'm not working so we don't lose his spot and so I can get stuff done w/out chasing him around the house. About 30 minutes after I dropped him off this morning, Amanda called and asked me to come get him... her mother died this morning. I feel SO bad for her and there's nothing I can do. It made me think about the mortality of my own parents though... Mom's only 10 years younger than her mother was when she died... and not living the healthiest of lifestyles either. I know that 60 is the new 40, but it's scary for me.
When Sam woke up from his nap today, my first indication that he was awake was *knock knock knock* on his bedroom door followed by "Mo-o-o-om!" (Thanks Madison) So, I went in there to get him up. I've been redoing the kids' room while the girls are gone, and I was eager to get started again... but... Sam can now reach the door from his crib. And apparently the boy knows how to work the lock. WHY is there a lock on my kids' bedroom door?!?!
While I was picking the lock, he keeps knocking on the door - and he keeps saying Mo-o-o-om! And then... giggling MADLY. Like a crazy person. He was laughing so hard while I was picking the lock that I thought he was going to pass out. He's STILL amused by it. I was on the phone with Kendra, telling her about it, and the boy started laughing. Brat.
Went to see the Gin Blossoms with Doug this weekend. I LURVED them in college. And ya know what? They're just as good now as they were then... and I'm way less stoned now. One Lone Car opened for them... also a good band. Not bad for a free concert at Crown Center. Beats Air Supply, anyway.
The kids' bedroom... I hung shelves yesterday - just the wire type that are for closet organizers, but they look pretty good. Then, I hung milk crates from the bottom of one for more storage space, and from the bottom of the other one, I hung one of those sweater storage things that's basically fabric shelves. I managed to get everything Sam shouldn't touch either out of the room or up and out of reach. I rearranged the furniture to give them more floor space, and picked up a futon mattress tonight from a woman who posts on freecycle. Tomorrow, Madison's old mattress goes away. I hung new curtains too (THANK YOU AMY) ... they're denim and the tabs at the top are strips of denim with overall closures. They're SO perfect. Love them. The kids will too. Their room looks awesome and is a good blend of toddler/little kid/tween... not everyone could make that work, yanno.
And now, the scam. There was an ad on craigslist for a bookkeeper - the pay was outrageous at $1500/week, but I figured what the hell, right? So I sent my resume and a cover letter... today, I got an email reply. It's an 'investment' company in Germany who is looking for people to 'process paypal payments'. In exchange, you get to keep 5% of every dollar you process. Crap, right? Have the Nigerians moved?
I had an interview yesterday for a web content editor position. It would be THE perfect job... telecommuting, $20/hour... awesome.
Did you know people are willing to pay $100-$150/hour for people to clean their houses topless? I don't know a single woman who would pay a man to just stand around looking good... we want our men to be productive... I'll pay you to change my oil, clean my gutters, shovel my walk, whatever (have you ever noticed how euphemistic those all sound?) and I don't even care if you're hot. But pay you to stand around looking pretty with your skin all hanging out and stuff? No. Boyz are weird.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Words of wisdom
Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.
George Eliot
My quote of the day... and it's so very true. It's why Walt won't get out of my ass, it's why his wife wants to take my kids from me... hell, it's why Tom logs into myspace every few days, I'm sure.
I really don't know what it is about me that makes people either love or hate me. There's never indifference - not since high school, anyway - maybe I used all of the indifference up then?
I know I'm not unique... but I often wonder why I inspire such strong reactions in others, when I'm so not prone to strong reactions myself.
Tonight was poker night. I was 4th, which means I didn't win any cash, but I got points - I'm in 6th place! Yeah, you have no idea how great that is, but it's awesome for someone who's prone to playing A 2 off-suit.
Had a job interview today. It's for a company that Doug actually used to be the HR manager for. It would actually be a pretty cool job that would sort of gather up all of the things I've done in other positions and roll them together nicely. And, it's 10 minutes from home... maybe 15, but still pretty cool after commuting over an hour every day for years. Benefits are good too. And the office is BEAUTIFUL. Seriously, this has never happened before, but I walked into a job interview with STRANGERS totally relaxed because it was impossible to get stressed out in their 'atrium'. ME, not puking before meeting new people. Wouldn't it be cool if I totally kicked this anxiety thing?
George Eliot
My quote of the day... and it's so very true. It's why Walt won't get out of my ass, it's why his wife wants to take my kids from me... hell, it's why Tom logs into myspace every few days, I'm sure.
I really don't know what it is about me that makes people either love or hate me. There's never indifference - not since high school, anyway - maybe I used all of the indifference up then?
I know I'm not unique... but I often wonder why I inspire such strong reactions in others, when I'm so not prone to strong reactions myself.
Tonight was poker night. I was 4th, which means I didn't win any cash, but I got points - I'm in 6th place! Yeah, you have no idea how great that is, but it's awesome for someone who's prone to playing A 2 off-suit.
Had a job interview today. It's for a company that Doug actually used to be the HR manager for. It would actually be a pretty cool job that would sort of gather up all of the things I've done in other positions and roll them together nicely. And, it's 10 minutes from home... maybe 15, but still pretty cool after commuting over an hour every day for years. Benefits are good too. And the office is BEAUTIFUL. Seriously, this has never happened before, but I walked into a job interview with STRANGERS totally relaxed because it was impossible to get stressed out in their 'atrium'. ME, not puking before meeting new people. Wouldn't it be cool if I totally kicked this anxiety thing?
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Stuff n junk
So, I'm supposed to wear this stupid (and by that, I mean stoopid) splint on my hand for the next month. Other than its incredible uber attractiveness, the thing is HOT and it's making my hand smell bad. I take it off a lot because it bugs the hell out of me to wear it, and it STINKS. How do people survive casts? I'd hack off my arm. So yeah, I'm not making it a whole month, I just know it.
The girls are with their father - or rather, their step-mother - for the next 2 weeks. Part of me hopes, quite sincerely, that they're having a wonderful time. But there's another part of me... a slightly evil part... that hopes they're miserable and counting the days to come home. I miss the hell out of them already.
I've been doing the organizing that never gets done when I have the kids here, and I've filled a large rubbermaid tub with baby toys that Twain has outgrown... I'm giving those to a woman I play poker with on Thursday. I also managed to file 2 tubs with clothes that don't fit the girls or that I can't stand to look at anymore. I'll send those to Jenn for her Unruly one. The sad part? Their closet is still so full that I can barely fit everything in it. They have more clothes than any 5 children need... and I don't shop. What the hell happened?
Twain is changing Every. Day. I swear, when he wakes up from naps, he's bigger and smarter. He's been talking up a storm too - only not so much in English. But man, the boy has not been silent at all the past couple days. There's a toddler bed in my living room, just waiting for me to trust the boy enough to put him in it and ditch the crib. Part of me can't wait... but I don't trust him yet... and I don't trust the girls to keep their room clean. They've been doing ok... but not good enough yet. In the mean time, it sits in the livingroom like the biggest, bluest, racer carest toy box ever. He loves it.
No news in the job market. At least, no real news. I'm not discouraged yet... but I've run out of jobs to apply for on careerbuilder, monster, flipdog, sologig and manufacturinggigs... so I'm searching craigslist. I've sent resumes to 2 postings - one for a web content editor position that pays $20/hour and is a telecommuting position which would be kick ass. The other is an Office Manager position that pays... $1500/week. I'm not likely AT. ALL. to get either one, but someday by boredom has to pay off, right?
I've been working on Doug's website www.kcclassiccars.com ... I'm pretty happy with the changes I've made to it - it looks a LOT better than it did. Tomorrow, I'm going to start work on a print ad and tri-fold brochure for him. It's fun and pays... not a bad combo.
Something weird... Asshat has paid child support EVERY. SINGLE. FRIDAY since December. It's been like clockwork - $80.72 for the longest time and then recently it's been $100 every Friday... but no payment this week. What's up with that? We're not talking dire straits or anything like that (though money for nothin would be nice)... but I don't like when things change like that. I ENJOY predictability. I really do.
The girls are with their father - or rather, their step-mother - for the next 2 weeks. Part of me hopes, quite sincerely, that they're having a wonderful time. But there's another part of me... a slightly evil part... that hopes they're miserable and counting the days to come home. I miss the hell out of them already.
I've been doing the organizing that never gets done when I have the kids here, and I've filled a large rubbermaid tub with baby toys that Twain has outgrown... I'm giving those to a woman I play poker with on Thursday. I also managed to file 2 tubs with clothes that don't fit the girls or that I can't stand to look at anymore. I'll send those to Jenn for her Unruly one. The sad part? Their closet is still so full that I can barely fit everything in it. They have more clothes than any 5 children need... and I don't shop. What the hell happened?
Twain is changing Every. Day. I swear, when he wakes up from naps, he's bigger and smarter. He's been talking up a storm too - only not so much in English. But man, the boy has not been silent at all the past couple days. There's a toddler bed in my living room, just waiting for me to trust the boy enough to put him in it and ditch the crib. Part of me can't wait... but I don't trust him yet... and I don't trust the girls to keep their room clean. They've been doing ok... but not good enough yet. In the mean time, it sits in the livingroom like the biggest, bluest, racer carest toy box ever. He loves it.
No news in the job market. At least, no real news. I'm not discouraged yet... but I've run out of jobs to apply for on careerbuilder, monster, flipdog, sologig and manufacturinggigs... so I'm searching craigslist. I've sent resumes to 2 postings - one for a web content editor position that pays $20/hour and is a telecommuting position which would be kick ass. The other is an Office Manager position that pays... $1500/week. I'm not likely AT. ALL. to get either one, but someday by boredom has to pay off, right?
I've been working on Doug's website www.kcclassiccars.com ... I'm pretty happy with the changes I've made to it - it looks a LOT better than it did. Tomorrow, I'm going to start work on a print ad and tri-fold brochure for him. It's fun and pays... not a bad combo.
Something weird... Asshat has paid child support EVERY. SINGLE. FRIDAY since December. It's been like clockwork - $80.72 for the longest time and then recently it's been $100 every Friday... but no payment this week. What's up with that? We're not talking dire straits or anything like that (though money for nothin would be nice)... but I don't like when things change like that. I ENJOY predictability. I really do.
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